Heart Like a Wheel - On Love and Trust

With apologies to Clement C. Moore:

Tis the day after Christmas, and all through my flat, not a creature is stirring, not even a cat.

A light snow is silently falling outside – it has been coming down since the rain changed over yesterday afternoon. It is not creating any significant accumulation, but it has renewed the freshness of the landscape, which had been rendered muddy and dreary after the rain washed away the previous snow cover over the past days. Perhaps that should lift my spirits, but so far, it has been ineffective in doing so. The gloom that settled over me on Christmas Eve remains in place. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as alone as I do right now. My parents and grandparents have passed away, my family is all scattered and busy elsewhere, my son is wrapped in his own feelings of depression and self-pity, and the love of my life has left me wondering about myself, my judgment, and my ability to love and trust again. In sum, I feel lost.

It’s hard to accept that the person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with has abandoned that dream that I thought we both shared. It is incredibly painful that the person who, less than a month ago, used to tell me at least 10 times a day how much he loved me, now ends his emails to me with “Take Care”. I have always believed that he loved me as much as I loved (and love, still) him – that he did what he did because of his feelings of guilt, responsibility, and history. Many friends have questioned that – especially the men. Most of my men friends have said that he would not have done what he did to me if he really loved me, and that, if his love was real, he would have made sure we met in person long ago. I have steadfastly defended him – but today, for the first time since that horrible email telling me that it – we – were over, I find myself wondering if they were right. Was I really seeing him clearly – did I want his love so badly that I mistook his sweet words of love for reality? Was I just a fantasy for him – the perfect woman, who would be his friend, companion, lover, and partner, for life; rather than the real flesh-and-blood, flawed human that I am? Did he ever actually love me – or did he just love the idea of who I might be for him, not the woman herself? These questions are causing me to feel the pain again almost as sharply as the day it happened, and I don’t know how to find answers, or let them go. And they bring to the forefront the worst question of all: If I was wrong about him – if he wasn’t who I believed with all my heart that he was – if he really didn’t love me for who I am – how can I ever trust anyone, or myself, again? How can I possibly risk being wrong, and opening myself up to the potential for this much pain occurring again? In truth, I don’t believe that I can survive another hurt and disappointment like this.

As I noted in my last post, he and I have been talking again, via email, and with increasing frequency. And yet, today I find myself questioning whether I could really, truly trust him again. A part of me wants to, wants it so badly that I can almost taste it! But can I actually do that, after he broke so many, many promises that he made to me: that he would love me forever, and do anything necessary for us to be together; that he would never hurt me – a promise he made over and over to my friends, as well; that I would never be alone again; that we would be together soon; and many others. Is there a way for me to open my heart to him again, knowing that none of these things will ever happen? And even if I could, how wise would that be? How can I risk that? How can I ever know that he is really the person I thought he was?

The answer to those questions is this: I need to actually meet him, in person, and look into his eyes to know if he is telling me the truth. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to – that the emails, chats, and phone calls were enough for me to be sure. Now I think I was wrong. If there is ever to be trust between us again, no matter what form our relationship takes, I need to be with him in person – to be able to touch him, and talk with him, and see for myself if he is being genuine and honest with me. I’ve come to believe that it is too easy to be disingenuous (deliberately or not) via the mediums we had, and much harder if you have to look into the eyes of the other person. And I think there is incalculable value in seeing the real person, face to face – perhaps only then can you understand, fully and completely, that that person is real; a person with beauty and flaws – and be able to love them as they really are – or not.

From the song by Anna McGarrigle, Heart Like a Wheel

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
But my love for you is like a sinking ship
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand oh please God hold my hand
Why it had to happen to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out