As many of you know, I have been very active on Twitter for quite some time. I have made many friends, both people I’ve since met in person, and those who remain friends from afar. I value each of these as much as the other – whether I’ve met them or not, I still feel the same bonds of friendship and respect for them. I treasure their friendship, and it doesn’t matter to me if their political or life-style choices are absolutely opposite of mine – I try to listen respectfully and consider what they have to say and how they feel. Several of my friends espouse opinions that I disagree with, and that’s just fine with me. Some of my friends have made choices in their lives that I would not have made, and I still love them and do not judge them harshly because of it. Everyone has to do what they think is right for them, and hopefully what is in favor of their own lives.
As many of you who regularly read my blog know, I am involved with someone I met on Twitter. Our relationship is complicated by many factors, not the least of which is that he is married to someone else. He has not been happy in that marriage for a number of years, but still feels responsibility and cares about his wife. We went through a very traumatic break-up in December, but found that we can’t stand being apart. We weren’t looking for someone to love, but we found each other anyway, and have become extremely close and loving. While we have not yet met in person, we will very soon, as I am flying to meeting him in just over 2 weeks. I don’t know what the future holds for us, and neither does he. We are taking this one day at a time. More than anything else, he is my best friend – the one person I can talk to for hours on end and tell absolutely anything.
I’ve been very honest about the relationship here in my blog, and with my friends. This had a consequence I never imagined – one of my friends, someone I loved and felt at least somewhat close to, and had met in real life – has dumped me because she feels that I am a “scarlet woman”, leading a married man to perhaps leave his wife and family, but certainly to betray them. I can understand her point – this is not a role I would have ever imagined myself in – but I am not doing anything to damage their marriage. The real marriage ended years ago – now they simply have a life together. I didn’t do that – they did that themselves. And even though they tried to fix it at the time, it was just too badly broken. And while he is honoring his commitment to her, he needs love and intimacy in his life, as I do. In truth, he is my soul mate, and I believe I am his.
So – why did she feel the need to shun me because of my choice to love this man? Why did she feel that I need to be condemned and removed from her life? Why could she not simply express her disapproval (I would never deny her the right to do that), but still love me and care about me? That’s how I would have treated her – and how I expect that real friendship should work. If you are really friends, you “have your friend’s back”, regardless of your opinion of their actions, so long as they do not hurt you personally.
Everyone should live by their own beliefs and standards. But they should not expect others to necessarily do the same. Real friends don’t condemn, even if they disapprove. Real friends love you in spite of your shortcomings or bad choices. Much to my sorrow, clearly she was not a real friend.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Second Chances
A lot has happened since my last post. I’ve been to Florida for the coldest weather they’ve had in about a century – some warm weather vacation!! But I still had fun – met some of my favorite Tweeters in real life – that alone made the trip worthwhile! Rested, read, shopped, ate healthy food and generally put myself into recovery mode. Came back feeling a bit disappointed at not getting the warm weather I had expected, but still rested and much more relaxed.
My love and I have put our relationship back together – slowly, sometimes painfully, but joyfully as well. We are taking it much slower now, although the feelings are perhaps more intense than ever. Both of us are grateful for the second chance – things were no good for either of us apart. But there are other people to consider, and so we will be much more thoughtful and deliberate this time. And, finally, we plan to meet in person the first week of March. That will make this real for both of us, and give us our first opportunity to discuss our relationship in person. I don’t know what the future holds for us – frankly, I’m not thinking past that first meeting. All I know is that I love him, and he loves me. The rest will have to take care of itself in time. I have to believe that, if we are meant to be together, then somehow we will be.
So that brings me to my focus for this entry – second chances. Those two words are both hopeful and scary at the same time. When you lose something valuable, whether by your own actions or other circumstances, it is frequently very difficult to allow yourself to regroup and try again. Sometimes, it is more than difficult – it is impossible. How many of us have given up after one failure – said “I can’t” or “I won’t” even though we desperately wanted to succeed? And yet – if we look at things closely – if it was worth doing in the first place, isn’t it worth investing in a second chance for success and/or happiness? If it isn’t worth the effort to make it work, why were we involved in the first place?
This is not just about relationships – this is about anything that we work hard at and then suffer some sort of set-back or failure. The same can be said about trying to improve your health through diet and exercise – and in that case, we often need many more chances than just one “second” chance. We need to keep picking ourselves up off the floor and going back into the fight, because in the arena of diet, it is so very common to say “Well, I blew it again, so that’s that!” We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is a process – we are working toward taking better care of ourselves, and we probably will not be perfect in our execution of that. A lifetime of “falling off the wagon” does not need to be a predictor of total failure. What we have to learn, I think, is to accept our failings without allowing them to completely sabotage the effort. We need to be able to forgive ourselves our “trespasses” so that we can continue down the path we have set for ourselves. I ate some things while on vacation that were not diet friendly – like crab with melted butter, and strawberries with angel food cake, and occasionally chocolate. The result was that I gained back 6 pounds that I had worked very hard to lose before. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s all over and I’ve given up – it means that I need to renew my commitment to eating right and exercising, that’s all.
In affairs of the heart, it is a bit more complicated; particularly if you are the one that was hurt by the other. As I wrote in a previous post – trust is a hard thing to regain once broken, and I am struggling with that now. I love Mark very much, but I’m having a difficult time trusting in his love and commitment to me. This is largely due to my fear of being hurt again, rather than any lack of reassurance from him. Considering my past experiences, my vulnerability is understandable – but I will have to conquer that if we are to have a successful relationship. I truly believe that the meeting we have planned in March will go a long way toward that end. I need to look into his eyes to truly know that he loves me.
The bottom line is just this – if it was really worth pursuing in the first place, then it’s worth a second chance. There’s an old adage that says “nothing worth having comes easy”, and more and more, I believe this is true. It takes courage to try again at something that has failed before, especially if it is something that is very important to you. But it’s absolutely guaranteed that if you don’t try again, you will not get to have that important thing in your life, whatever it is.
My love and I have put our relationship back together – slowly, sometimes painfully, but joyfully as well. We are taking it much slower now, although the feelings are perhaps more intense than ever. Both of us are grateful for the second chance – things were no good for either of us apart. But there are other people to consider, and so we will be much more thoughtful and deliberate this time. And, finally, we plan to meet in person the first week of March. That will make this real for both of us, and give us our first opportunity to discuss our relationship in person. I don’t know what the future holds for us – frankly, I’m not thinking past that first meeting. All I know is that I love him, and he loves me. The rest will have to take care of itself in time. I have to believe that, if we are meant to be together, then somehow we will be.
So that brings me to my focus for this entry – second chances. Those two words are both hopeful and scary at the same time. When you lose something valuable, whether by your own actions or other circumstances, it is frequently very difficult to allow yourself to regroup and try again. Sometimes, it is more than difficult – it is impossible. How many of us have given up after one failure – said “I can’t” or “I won’t” even though we desperately wanted to succeed? And yet – if we look at things closely – if it was worth doing in the first place, isn’t it worth investing in a second chance for success and/or happiness? If it isn’t worth the effort to make it work, why were we involved in the first place?
This is not just about relationships – this is about anything that we work hard at and then suffer some sort of set-back or failure. The same can be said about trying to improve your health through diet and exercise – and in that case, we often need many more chances than just one “second” chance. We need to keep picking ourselves up off the floor and going back into the fight, because in the arena of diet, it is so very common to say “Well, I blew it again, so that’s that!” We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is a process – we are working toward taking better care of ourselves, and we probably will not be perfect in our execution of that. A lifetime of “falling off the wagon” does not need to be a predictor of total failure. What we have to learn, I think, is to accept our failings without allowing them to completely sabotage the effort. We need to be able to forgive ourselves our “trespasses” so that we can continue down the path we have set for ourselves. I ate some things while on vacation that were not diet friendly – like crab with melted butter, and strawberries with angel food cake, and occasionally chocolate. The result was that I gained back 6 pounds that I had worked very hard to lose before. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s all over and I’ve given up – it means that I need to renew my commitment to eating right and exercising, that’s all.
In affairs of the heart, it is a bit more complicated; particularly if you are the one that was hurt by the other. As I wrote in a previous post – trust is a hard thing to regain once broken, and I am struggling with that now. I love Mark very much, but I’m having a difficult time trusting in his love and commitment to me. This is largely due to my fear of being hurt again, rather than any lack of reassurance from him. Considering my past experiences, my vulnerability is understandable – but I will have to conquer that if we are to have a successful relationship. I truly believe that the meeting we have planned in March will go a long way toward that end. I need to look into his eyes to truly know that he loves me.
The bottom line is just this – if it was really worth pursuing in the first place, then it’s worth a second chance. There’s an old adage that says “nothing worth having comes easy”, and more and more, I believe this is true. It takes courage to try again at something that has failed before, especially if it is something that is very important to you. But it’s absolutely guaranteed that if you don’t try again, you will not get to have that important thing in your life, whatever it is.
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