Heart Like a Wheel - On Love and Trust

With apologies to Clement C. Moore:

Tis the day after Christmas, and all through my flat, not a creature is stirring, not even a cat.

A light snow is silently falling outside – it has been coming down since the rain changed over yesterday afternoon. It is not creating any significant accumulation, but it has renewed the freshness of the landscape, which had been rendered muddy and dreary after the rain washed away the previous snow cover over the past days. Perhaps that should lift my spirits, but so far, it has been ineffective in doing so. The gloom that settled over me on Christmas Eve remains in place. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as alone as I do right now. My parents and grandparents have passed away, my family is all scattered and busy elsewhere, my son is wrapped in his own feelings of depression and self-pity, and the love of my life has left me wondering about myself, my judgment, and my ability to love and trust again. In sum, I feel lost.

It’s hard to accept that the person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with has abandoned that dream that I thought we both shared. It is incredibly painful that the person who, less than a month ago, used to tell me at least 10 times a day how much he loved me, now ends his emails to me with “Take Care”. I have always believed that he loved me as much as I loved (and love, still) him – that he did what he did because of his feelings of guilt, responsibility, and history. Many friends have questioned that – especially the men. Most of my men friends have said that he would not have done what he did to me if he really loved me, and that, if his love was real, he would have made sure we met in person long ago. I have steadfastly defended him – but today, for the first time since that horrible email telling me that it – we – were over, I find myself wondering if they were right. Was I really seeing him clearly – did I want his love so badly that I mistook his sweet words of love for reality? Was I just a fantasy for him – the perfect woman, who would be his friend, companion, lover, and partner, for life; rather than the real flesh-and-blood, flawed human that I am? Did he ever actually love me – or did he just love the idea of who I might be for him, not the woman herself? These questions are causing me to feel the pain again almost as sharply as the day it happened, and I don’t know how to find answers, or let them go. And they bring to the forefront the worst question of all: If I was wrong about him – if he wasn’t who I believed with all my heart that he was – if he really didn’t love me for who I am – how can I ever trust anyone, or myself, again? How can I possibly risk being wrong, and opening myself up to the potential for this much pain occurring again? In truth, I don’t believe that I can survive another hurt and disappointment like this.

As I noted in my last post, he and I have been talking again, via email, and with increasing frequency. And yet, today I find myself questioning whether I could really, truly trust him again. A part of me wants to, wants it so badly that I can almost taste it! But can I actually do that, after he broke so many, many promises that he made to me: that he would love me forever, and do anything necessary for us to be together; that he would never hurt me – a promise he made over and over to my friends, as well; that I would never be alone again; that we would be together soon; and many others. Is there a way for me to open my heart to him again, knowing that none of these things will ever happen? And even if I could, how wise would that be? How can I risk that? How can I ever know that he is really the person I thought he was?

The answer to those questions is this: I need to actually meet him, in person, and look into his eyes to know if he is telling me the truth. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to – that the emails, chats, and phone calls were enough for me to be sure. Now I think I was wrong. If there is ever to be trust between us again, no matter what form our relationship takes, I need to be with him in person – to be able to touch him, and talk with him, and see for myself if he is being genuine and honest with me. I’ve come to believe that it is too easy to be disingenuous (deliberately or not) via the mediums we had, and much harder if you have to look into the eyes of the other person. And I think there is incalculable value in seeing the real person, face to face – perhaps only then can you understand, fully and completely, that that person is real; a person with beauty and flaws – and be able to love them as they really are – or not.

From the song by Anna McGarrigle, Heart Like a Wheel

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
But my love for you is like a sinking ship
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand oh please God hold my hand
Why it had to happen to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out

Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

Over two weeks have passed since my life got turned upside down (see previous post for details). I’ve almost stopped crying now, although tears will well up unexpectedly at odd times. The next week will be hard to get through, because that is the week that my love and I would finally have come together – all the miles between us gone, face-to-face for the first time. Now instead, I will be getting ready to leave for a Florida vacation with a dear girlfriend, who is hauling me off to the sunshine, warmth, and sandy gulf beach to heal. I am very thankful that I have that to look forward to and concentrate on, because without it, the next week would be unbearable.

In the past two weeks, I have moved from despair back to someone who appears (to the casual observer) to be nearly back to normal. I joke with friends, smile, talk to people on Twitter, and post to my Facebook page. I put up a Christmas tree, shopped for Christmas dinner, and wrapped a present for a friend. What they don’t know is that, inside, I feel empty and sadly melancholy. Nothing touches me as deeply as it should, even when I hear about tragedies in my friend’s lives – I care, but my ability to feel their pain is greatly diminished. I am still guarding my heart carefully and trying to keep the pain at bay. I can’t help it – I just don’t have the capacity right now to open my heart and bleed for them.

I have been incredibly blessed with wonderful friends who have supported me during this time. They have tweeted, called, texted, left messages on Facebook, and emailed. Several offered to come and sit with me – one did. They told me over and over again that I would survive – that things would get better – that the pain would diminish. Slowly and surely, it has done that. I have leaned on their love to help me through this. I’m not sure how I would have gotten through it without them.

About a week ago, my love and I began to talk again – by email only, but sharing feelings as well as the events that affect our lives. We started to explore what kind of a relationship we might still be able to have now, if any. His decision about what he needed to do did not change the love and friendship we had during our relationship. He hurt me badly, but in spite of that, I still love him and want him in my life. I know it can’t be the kind of relationship that we had planned – a life together, and everything that comes with that. Because I am who I am, I have to support him, even though that means my dreams have been shattered. His decision, however, does not mean that he doesn’t still love me, or that he doesn’t miss me terribly, as I do him. We are the love of each other’s life – but we simply can’t be together.

It may be some time before he and I can strike the balance we need to, to preserve our relationship in whatever form it can now take. In truth, I’m still not sure that it is possible, although I fervently hope that it is. Our love relationship was very intense, and it is bound to be difficult to establish a friendship without that. But we are in agreement that we have to try, because we mean too much to each other to just let it go. And so we will give it our best shot.

One thing that has been very encouraging during this time is that I have not resorted to eating as a way to ease my pain, as I have with every other traumatic occurrence in my life. I’ve gone back to my warm water exercise, surprisingly able to pick up right where I left off when my knee broke down again and I had to get another series of injections, requiring me to stay out of the pool. I’ve been able to stick to my eating plan, and have continued to lose weight – I have now lost 77 pounds since April, when I began, and that’s 146 pound lost from my top weight, in 2005. I am hoping that this means that I have broken a life-long bad habit, numbing pain with food. Only time will tell if it is really gone, or if this is the exception rather than the rule. But I am grateful for it this time, anyway.

The End of the Dream

I have been trying to write this for days, but just couldn’t stop crying long enough to do it. The man I love has left me. I am shattered – hurt beyond words, pain that seems unending. I thought that I had finally found my soul mate – the person I would spend the rest of my life with. He promised to never hurt me – that I would never be alone again – that he would love me forever. And so many more promises that, in the end, he broke. I was willing to give up my life here, my career with the University, all or most of my possessions, and my country to immigrate so that we could be together. In the end, he wasn’t willing to undergo the pain of disassembling a 32-year marriage that he told me over and over made him unhappy and unfulfilled. So he left me – blindsided me with a “dear Jane” email, after texting me 6 hours earlier to tell me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to be with me for New Year’s in Las Vegas. Needless to say, he left me with a huge hole in my life, a pit in my stomach that won’t go away, and more tears than I thought I had in me.

I still want to believe in miracles – I still want to believe that life has good things in store for me, and that I can achieve my goals. But right now, all I can see is loneliness, darkness, and pain. I don’t know how I can ever trust anyone again. I don’t know how I can take the risk of being hurt like this again. And please don’t tell me that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal ALL wounds. It helps, but it may not really be able to bring me back to the person I was before this happened. I was a vibrant, loving, giving person, willing to give my heart. I think that person is gone for good. I don’t know who or what will emerge. Only time will tell.