Friendship - and Judgment

As many of you know, I have been very active on Twitter for quite some time. I have made many friends, both people I’ve since met in person, and those who remain friends from afar. I value each of these as much as the other – whether I’ve met them or not, I still feel the same bonds of friendship and respect for them. I treasure their friendship, and it doesn’t matter to me if their political or life-style choices are absolutely opposite of mine – I try to listen respectfully and consider what they have to say and how they feel. Several of my friends espouse opinions that I disagree with, and that’s just fine with me. Some of my friends have made choices in their lives that I would not have made, and I still love them and do not judge them harshly because of it. Everyone has to do what they think is right for them, and hopefully what is in favor of their own lives.

As many of you who regularly read my blog know, I am involved with someone I met on Twitter. Our relationship is complicated by many factors, not the least of which is that he is married to someone else. He has not been happy in that marriage for a number of years, but still feels responsibility and cares about his wife. We went through a very traumatic break-up in December, but found that we can’t stand being apart. We weren’t looking for someone to love, but we found each other anyway, and have become extremely close and loving. While we have not yet met in person, we will very soon, as I am flying to meeting him in just over 2 weeks. I don’t know what the future holds for us, and neither does he. We are taking this one day at a time. More than anything else, he is my best friend – the one person I can talk to for hours on end and tell absolutely anything.

I’ve been very honest about the relationship here in my blog, and with my friends. This had a consequence I never imagined – one of my friends, someone I loved and felt at least somewhat close to, and had met in real life – has dumped me because she feels that I am a “scarlet woman”, leading a married man to perhaps leave his wife and family, but certainly to betray them. I can understand her point – this is not a role I would have ever imagined myself in – but I am not doing anything to damage their marriage. The real marriage ended years ago – now they simply have a life together. I didn’t do that – they did that themselves. And even though they tried to fix it at the time, it was just too badly broken. And while he is honoring his commitment to her, he needs love and intimacy in his life, as I do. In truth, he is my soul mate, and I believe I am his.

So – why did she feel the need to shun me because of my choice to love this man? Why did she feel that I need to be condemned and removed from her life? Why could she not simply express her disapproval (I would never deny her the right to do that), but still love me and care about me? That’s how I would have treated her – and how I expect that real friendship should work. If you are really friends, you “have your friend’s back”, regardless of your opinion of their actions, so long as they do not hurt you personally.

Everyone should live by their own beliefs and standards. But they should not expect others to necessarily do the same. Real friends don’t condemn, even if they disapprove. Real friends love you in spite of your shortcomings or bad choices. Much to my sorrow, clearly she was not a real friend.