As many of you know, I have been very active on Twitter for quite some time. I have made many friends, both people I’ve since met in person, and those who remain friends from afar. I value each of these as much as the other – whether I’ve met them or not, I still feel the same bonds of friendship and respect for them. I treasure their friendship, and it doesn’t matter to me if their political or life-style choices are absolutely opposite of mine – I try to listen respectfully and consider what they have to say and how they feel. Several of my friends espouse opinions that I disagree with, and that’s just fine with me. Some of my friends have made choices in their lives that I would not have made, and I still love them and do not judge them harshly because of it. Everyone has to do what they think is right for them, and hopefully what is in favor of their own lives.
As many of you who regularly read my blog know, I am involved with someone I met on Twitter. Our relationship is complicated by many factors, not the least of which is that he is married to someone else. He has not been happy in that marriage for a number of years, but still feels responsibility and cares about his wife. We went through a very traumatic break-up in December, but found that we can’t stand being apart. We weren’t looking for someone to love, but we found each other anyway, and have become extremely close and loving. While we have not yet met in person, we will very soon, as I am flying to meeting him in just over 2 weeks. I don’t know what the future holds for us, and neither does he. We are taking this one day at a time. More than anything else, he is my best friend – the one person I can talk to for hours on end and tell absolutely anything.
I’ve been very honest about the relationship here in my blog, and with my friends. This had a consequence I never imagined – one of my friends, someone I loved and felt at least somewhat close to, and had met in real life – has dumped me because she feels that I am a “scarlet woman”, leading a married man to perhaps leave his wife and family, but certainly to betray them. I can understand her point – this is not a role I would have ever imagined myself in – but I am not doing anything to damage their marriage. The real marriage ended years ago – now they simply have a life together. I didn’t do that – they did that themselves. And even though they tried to fix it at the time, it was just too badly broken. And while he is honoring his commitment to her, he needs love and intimacy in his life, as I do. In truth, he is my soul mate, and I believe I am his.
So – why did she feel the need to shun me because of my choice to love this man? Why did she feel that I need to be condemned and removed from her life? Why could she not simply express her disapproval (I would never deny her the right to do that), but still love me and care about me? That’s how I would have treated her – and how I expect that real friendship should work. If you are really friends, you “have your friend’s back”, regardless of your opinion of their actions, so long as they do not hurt you personally.
Everyone should live by their own beliefs and standards. But they should not expect others to necessarily do the same. Real friends don’t condemn, even if they disapprove. Real friends love you in spite of your shortcomings or bad choices. Much to my sorrow, clearly she was not a real friend.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Second Chances
A lot has happened since my last post. I’ve been to Florida for the coldest weather they’ve had in about a century – some warm weather vacation!! But I still had fun – met some of my favorite Tweeters in real life – that alone made the trip worthwhile! Rested, read, shopped, ate healthy food and generally put myself into recovery mode. Came back feeling a bit disappointed at not getting the warm weather I had expected, but still rested and much more relaxed.
My love and I have put our relationship back together – slowly, sometimes painfully, but joyfully as well. We are taking it much slower now, although the feelings are perhaps more intense than ever. Both of us are grateful for the second chance – things were no good for either of us apart. But there are other people to consider, and so we will be much more thoughtful and deliberate this time. And, finally, we plan to meet in person the first week of March. That will make this real for both of us, and give us our first opportunity to discuss our relationship in person. I don’t know what the future holds for us – frankly, I’m not thinking past that first meeting. All I know is that I love him, and he loves me. The rest will have to take care of itself in time. I have to believe that, if we are meant to be together, then somehow we will be.
So that brings me to my focus for this entry – second chances. Those two words are both hopeful and scary at the same time. When you lose something valuable, whether by your own actions or other circumstances, it is frequently very difficult to allow yourself to regroup and try again. Sometimes, it is more than difficult – it is impossible. How many of us have given up after one failure – said “I can’t” or “I won’t” even though we desperately wanted to succeed? And yet – if we look at things closely – if it was worth doing in the first place, isn’t it worth investing in a second chance for success and/or happiness? If it isn’t worth the effort to make it work, why were we involved in the first place?
This is not just about relationships – this is about anything that we work hard at and then suffer some sort of set-back or failure. The same can be said about trying to improve your health through diet and exercise – and in that case, we often need many more chances than just one “second” chance. We need to keep picking ourselves up off the floor and going back into the fight, because in the arena of diet, it is so very common to say “Well, I blew it again, so that’s that!” We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is a process – we are working toward taking better care of ourselves, and we probably will not be perfect in our execution of that. A lifetime of “falling off the wagon” does not need to be a predictor of total failure. What we have to learn, I think, is to accept our failings without allowing them to completely sabotage the effort. We need to be able to forgive ourselves our “trespasses” so that we can continue down the path we have set for ourselves. I ate some things while on vacation that were not diet friendly – like crab with melted butter, and strawberries with angel food cake, and occasionally chocolate. The result was that I gained back 6 pounds that I had worked very hard to lose before. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s all over and I’ve given up – it means that I need to renew my commitment to eating right and exercising, that’s all.
In affairs of the heart, it is a bit more complicated; particularly if you are the one that was hurt by the other. As I wrote in a previous post – trust is a hard thing to regain once broken, and I am struggling with that now. I love Mark very much, but I’m having a difficult time trusting in his love and commitment to me. This is largely due to my fear of being hurt again, rather than any lack of reassurance from him. Considering my past experiences, my vulnerability is understandable – but I will have to conquer that if we are to have a successful relationship. I truly believe that the meeting we have planned in March will go a long way toward that end. I need to look into his eyes to truly know that he loves me.
The bottom line is just this – if it was really worth pursuing in the first place, then it’s worth a second chance. There’s an old adage that says “nothing worth having comes easy”, and more and more, I believe this is true. It takes courage to try again at something that has failed before, especially if it is something that is very important to you. But it’s absolutely guaranteed that if you don’t try again, you will not get to have that important thing in your life, whatever it is.
My love and I have put our relationship back together – slowly, sometimes painfully, but joyfully as well. We are taking it much slower now, although the feelings are perhaps more intense than ever. Both of us are grateful for the second chance – things were no good for either of us apart. But there are other people to consider, and so we will be much more thoughtful and deliberate this time. And, finally, we plan to meet in person the first week of March. That will make this real for both of us, and give us our first opportunity to discuss our relationship in person. I don’t know what the future holds for us – frankly, I’m not thinking past that first meeting. All I know is that I love him, and he loves me. The rest will have to take care of itself in time. I have to believe that, if we are meant to be together, then somehow we will be.
So that brings me to my focus for this entry – second chances. Those two words are both hopeful and scary at the same time. When you lose something valuable, whether by your own actions or other circumstances, it is frequently very difficult to allow yourself to regroup and try again. Sometimes, it is more than difficult – it is impossible. How many of us have given up after one failure – said “I can’t” or “I won’t” even though we desperately wanted to succeed? And yet – if we look at things closely – if it was worth doing in the first place, isn’t it worth investing in a second chance for success and/or happiness? If it isn’t worth the effort to make it work, why were we involved in the first place?
This is not just about relationships – this is about anything that we work hard at and then suffer some sort of set-back or failure. The same can be said about trying to improve your health through diet and exercise – and in that case, we often need many more chances than just one “second” chance. We need to keep picking ourselves up off the floor and going back into the fight, because in the arena of diet, it is so very common to say “Well, I blew it again, so that’s that!” We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is a process – we are working toward taking better care of ourselves, and we probably will not be perfect in our execution of that. A lifetime of “falling off the wagon” does not need to be a predictor of total failure. What we have to learn, I think, is to accept our failings without allowing them to completely sabotage the effort. We need to be able to forgive ourselves our “trespasses” so that we can continue down the path we have set for ourselves. I ate some things while on vacation that were not diet friendly – like crab with melted butter, and strawberries with angel food cake, and occasionally chocolate. The result was that I gained back 6 pounds that I had worked very hard to lose before. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s all over and I’ve given up – it means that I need to renew my commitment to eating right and exercising, that’s all.
In affairs of the heart, it is a bit more complicated; particularly if you are the one that was hurt by the other. As I wrote in a previous post – trust is a hard thing to regain once broken, and I am struggling with that now. I love Mark very much, but I’m having a difficult time trusting in his love and commitment to me. This is largely due to my fear of being hurt again, rather than any lack of reassurance from him. Considering my past experiences, my vulnerability is understandable – but I will have to conquer that if we are to have a successful relationship. I truly believe that the meeting we have planned in March will go a long way toward that end. I need to look into his eyes to truly know that he loves me.
The bottom line is just this – if it was really worth pursuing in the first place, then it’s worth a second chance. There’s an old adage that says “nothing worth having comes easy”, and more and more, I believe this is true. It takes courage to try again at something that has failed before, especially if it is something that is very important to you. But it’s absolutely guaranteed that if you don’t try again, you will not get to have that important thing in your life, whatever it is.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Heart Like a Wheel - On Love and Trust
With apologies to Clement C. Moore:
A light snow is silently falling outside – it has been coming down since the rain changed over yesterday afternoon. It is not creating any significant accumulation, but it has renewed the freshness of the landscape, which had been rendered muddy and dreary after the rain washed away the previous snow cover over the past days. Perhaps that should lift my spirits, but so far, it has been ineffective in doing so. The gloom that settled over me on Christmas Eve remains in place. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as alone as I do right now. My parents and grandparents have passed away, my family is all scattered and busy elsewhere, my son is wrapped in his own feelings of depression and self-pity, and the love of my life has left me wondering about myself, my judgment, and my ability to love and trust again. In sum, I feel lost.
It’s hard to accept that the person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with has abandoned that dream that I thought we both shared. It is incredibly painful that the person who, less than a month ago, used to tell me at least 10 times a day how much he loved me, now ends his emails to me with “Take Care”. I have always believed that he loved me as much as I loved (and love, still) him – that he did what he did because of his feelings of guilt, responsibility, and history. Many friends have questioned that – especially the men. Most of my men friends have said that he would not have done what he did to me if he really loved me, and that, if his love was real, he would have made sure we met in person long ago. I have steadfastly defended him – but today, for the first time since that horrible email telling me that it – we – were over, I find myself wondering if they were right. Was I really seeing him clearly – did I want his love so badly that I mistook his sweet words of love for reality? Was I just a fantasy for him – the perfect woman, who would be his friend, companion, lover, and partner, for life; rather than the real flesh-and-blood, flawed human that I am? Did he ever actually love me – or did he just love the idea of who I might be for him, not the woman herself? These questions are causing me to feel the pain again almost as sharply as the day it happened, and I don’t know how to find answers, or let them go. And they bring to the forefront the worst question of all: If I was wrong about him – if he wasn’t who I believed with all my heart that he was – if he really didn’t love me for who I am – how can I ever trust anyone, or myself, again? How can I possibly risk being wrong, and opening myself up to the potential for this much pain occurring again? In truth, I don’t believe that I can survive another hurt and disappointment like this.
As I noted in my last post, he and I have been talking again, via email, and with increasing frequency. And yet, today I find myself questioning whether I could really, truly trust him again. A part of me wants to, wants it so badly that I can almost taste it! But can I actually do that, after he broke so many, many promises that he made to me: that he would love me forever, and do anything necessary for us to be together; that he would never hurt me – a promise he made over and over to my friends, as well; that I would never be alone again; that we would be together soon; and many others. Is there a way for me to open my heart to him again, knowing that none of these things will ever happen? And even if I could, how wise would that be? How can I risk that? How can I ever know that he is really the person I thought he was?
The answer to those questions is this: I need to actually meet him, in person, and look into his eyes to know if he is telling me the truth. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to – that the emails, chats, and phone calls were enough for me to be sure. Now I think I was wrong. If there is ever to be trust between us again, no matter what form our relationship takes, I need to be with him in person – to be able to touch him, and talk with him, and see for myself if he is being genuine and honest with me. I’ve come to believe that it is too easy to be disingenuous (deliberately or not) via the mediums we had, and much harder if you have to look into the eyes of the other person. And I think there is incalculable value in seeing the real person, face to face – perhaps only then can you understand, fully and completely, that that person is real; a person with beauty and flaws – and be able to love them as they really are – or not.
From the song by Anna McGarrigle, Heart Like a Wheel
Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
But my love for you is like a sinking ship
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean
When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand oh please God hold my hand
Why it had to happen to me
And it's only love and it's only love
That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out
Tis the day after Christmas, and all through my flat, not a creature is stirring, not even a cat.
A light snow is silently falling outside – it has been coming down since the rain changed over yesterday afternoon. It is not creating any significant accumulation, but it has renewed the freshness of the landscape, which had been rendered muddy and dreary after the rain washed away the previous snow cover over the past days. Perhaps that should lift my spirits, but so far, it has been ineffective in doing so. The gloom that settled over me on Christmas Eve remains in place. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as alone as I do right now. My parents and grandparents have passed away, my family is all scattered and busy elsewhere, my son is wrapped in his own feelings of depression and self-pity, and the love of my life has left me wondering about myself, my judgment, and my ability to love and trust again. In sum, I feel lost.
It’s hard to accept that the person who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with has abandoned that dream that I thought we both shared. It is incredibly painful that the person who, less than a month ago, used to tell me at least 10 times a day how much he loved me, now ends his emails to me with “Take Care”. I have always believed that he loved me as much as I loved (and love, still) him – that he did what he did because of his feelings of guilt, responsibility, and history. Many friends have questioned that – especially the men. Most of my men friends have said that he would not have done what he did to me if he really loved me, and that, if his love was real, he would have made sure we met in person long ago. I have steadfastly defended him – but today, for the first time since that horrible email telling me that it – we – were over, I find myself wondering if they were right. Was I really seeing him clearly – did I want his love so badly that I mistook his sweet words of love for reality? Was I just a fantasy for him – the perfect woman, who would be his friend, companion, lover, and partner, for life; rather than the real flesh-and-blood, flawed human that I am? Did he ever actually love me – or did he just love the idea of who I might be for him, not the woman herself? These questions are causing me to feel the pain again almost as sharply as the day it happened, and I don’t know how to find answers, or let them go. And they bring to the forefront the worst question of all: If I was wrong about him – if he wasn’t who I believed with all my heart that he was – if he really didn’t love me for who I am – how can I ever trust anyone, or myself, again? How can I possibly risk being wrong, and opening myself up to the potential for this much pain occurring again? In truth, I don’t believe that I can survive another hurt and disappointment like this.
As I noted in my last post, he and I have been talking again, via email, and with increasing frequency. And yet, today I find myself questioning whether I could really, truly trust him again. A part of me wants to, wants it so badly that I can almost taste it! But can I actually do that, after he broke so many, many promises that he made to me: that he would love me forever, and do anything necessary for us to be together; that he would never hurt me – a promise he made over and over to my friends, as well; that I would never be alone again; that we would be together soon; and many others. Is there a way for me to open my heart to him again, knowing that none of these things will ever happen? And even if I could, how wise would that be? How can I risk that? How can I ever know that he is really the person I thought he was?
The answer to those questions is this: I need to actually meet him, in person, and look into his eyes to know if he is telling me the truth. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to – that the emails, chats, and phone calls were enough for me to be sure. Now I think I was wrong. If there is ever to be trust between us again, no matter what form our relationship takes, I need to be with him in person – to be able to touch him, and talk with him, and see for myself if he is being genuine and honest with me. I’ve come to believe that it is too easy to be disingenuous (deliberately or not) via the mediums we had, and much harder if you have to look into the eyes of the other person. And I think there is incalculable value in seeing the real person, face to face – perhaps only then can you understand, fully and completely, that that person is real; a person with beauty and flaws – and be able to love them as they really are – or not.
From the song by Anna McGarrigle, Heart Like a Wheel
Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
But my love for you is like a sinking ship
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean
When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand oh please God hold my hand
Why it had to happen to me
And it's only love and it's only love
That can wreck a human being and turn him inside out
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Phoenix Rising from the Ashes
Over two weeks have passed since my life got turned upside down (see previous post for details). I’ve almost stopped crying now, although tears will well up unexpectedly at odd times. The next week will be hard to get through, because that is the week that my love and I would finally have come together – all the miles between us gone, face-to-face for the first time. Now instead, I will be getting ready to leave for a Florida vacation with a dear girlfriend, who is hauling me off to the sunshine, warmth, and sandy gulf beach to heal. I am very thankful that I have that to look forward to and concentrate on, because without it, the next week would be unbearable.
In the past two weeks, I have moved from despair back to someone who appears (to the casual observer) to be nearly back to normal. I joke with friends, smile, talk to people on Twitter, and post to my Facebook page. I put up a Christmas tree, shopped for Christmas dinner, and wrapped a present for a friend. What they don’t know is that, inside, I feel empty and sadly melancholy. Nothing touches me as deeply as it should, even when I hear about tragedies in my friend’s lives – I care, but my ability to feel their pain is greatly diminished. I am still guarding my heart carefully and trying to keep the pain at bay. I can’t help it – I just don’t have the capacity right now to open my heart and bleed for them.
I have been incredibly blessed with wonderful friends who have supported me during this time. They have tweeted, called, texted, left messages on Facebook, and emailed. Several offered to come and sit with me – one did. They told me over and over again that I would survive – that things would get better – that the pain would diminish. Slowly and surely, it has done that. I have leaned on their love to help me through this. I’m not sure how I would have gotten through it without them.
About a week ago, my love and I began to talk again – by email only, but sharing feelings as well as the events that affect our lives. We started to explore what kind of a relationship we might still be able to have now, if any. His decision about what he needed to do did not change the love and friendship we had during our relationship. He hurt me badly, but in spite of that, I still love him and want him in my life. I know it can’t be the kind of relationship that we had planned – a life together, and everything that comes with that. Because I am who I am, I have to support him, even though that means my dreams have been shattered. His decision, however, does not mean that he doesn’t still love me, or that he doesn’t miss me terribly, as I do him. We are the love of each other’s life – but we simply can’t be together.
It may be some time before he and I can strike the balance we need to, to preserve our relationship in whatever form it can now take. In truth, I’m still not sure that it is possible, although I fervently hope that it is. Our love relationship was very intense, and it is bound to be difficult to establish a friendship without that. But we are in agreement that we have to try, because we mean too much to each other to just let it go. And so we will give it our best shot.
One thing that has been very encouraging during this time is that I have not resorted to eating as a way to ease my pain, as I have with every other traumatic occurrence in my life. I’ve gone back to my warm water exercise, surprisingly able to pick up right where I left off when my knee broke down again and I had to get another series of injections, requiring me to stay out of the pool. I’ve been able to stick to my eating plan, and have continued to lose weight – I have now lost 77 pounds since April, when I began, and that’s 146 pound lost from my top weight, in 2005. I am hoping that this means that I have broken a life-long bad habit, numbing pain with food. Only time will tell if it is really gone, or if this is the exception rather than the rule. But I am grateful for it this time, anyway.
In the past two weeks, I have moved from despair back to someone who appears (to the casual observer) to be nearly back to normal. I joke with friends, smile, talk to people on Twitter, and post to my Facebook page. I put up a Christmas tree, shopped for Christmas dinner, and wrapped a present for a friend. What they don’t know is that, inside, I feel empty and sadly melancholy. Nothing touches me as deeply as it should, even when I hear about tragedies in my friend’s lives – I care, but my ability to feel their pain is greatly diminished. I am still guarding my heart carefully and trying to keep the pain at bay. I can’t help it – I just don’t have the capacity right now to open my heart and bleed for them.
I have been incredibly blessed with wonderful friends who have supported me during this time. They have tweeted, called, texted, left messages on Facebook, and emailed. Several offered to come and sit with me – one did. They told me over and over again that I would survive – that things would get better – that the pain would diminish. Slowly and surely, it has done that. I have leaned on their love to help me through this. I’m not sure how I would have gotten through it without them.
About a week ago, my love and I began to talk again – by email only, but sharing feelings as well as the events that affect our lives. We started to explore what kind of a relationship we might still be able to have now, if any. His decision about what he needed to do did not change the love and friendship we had during our relationship. He hurt me badly, but in spite of that, I still love him and want him in my life. I know it can’t be the kind of relationship that we had planned – a life together, and everything that comes with that. Because I am who I am, I have to support him, even though that means my dreams have been shattered. His decision, however, does not mean that he doesn’t still love me, or that he doesn’t miss me terribly, as I do him. We are the love of each other’s life – but we simply can’t be together.
It may be some time before he and I can strike the balance we need to, to preserve our relationship in whatever form it can now take. In truth, I’m still not sure that it is possible, although I fervently hope that it is. Our love relationship was very intense, and it is bound to be difficult to establish a friendship without that. But we are in agreement that we have to try, because we mean too much to each other to just let it go. And so we will give it our best shot.
One thing that has been very encouraging during this time is that I have not resorted to eating as a way to ease my pain, as I have with every other traumatic occurrence in my life. I’ve gone back to my warm water exercise, surprisingly able to pick up right where I left off when my knee broke down again and I had to get another series of injections, requiring me to stay out of the pool. I’ve been able to stick to my eating plan, and have continued to lose weight – I have now lost 77 pounds since April, when I began, and that’s 146 pound lost from my top weight, in 2005. I am hoping that this means that I have broken a life-long bad habit, numbing pain with food. Only time will tell if it is really gone, or if this is the exception rather than the rule. But I am grateful for it this time, anyway.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The End of the Dream
I have been trying to write this for days, but just couldn’t stop crying long enough to do it. The man I love has left me. I am shattered – hurt beyond words, pain that seems unending. I thought that I had finally found my soul mate – the person I would spend the rest of my life with. He promised to never hurt me – that I would never be alone again – that he would love me forever. And so many more promises that, in the end, he broke. I was willing to give up my life here, my career with the University, all or most of my possessions, and my country to immigrate so that we could be together. In the end, he wasn’t willing to undergo the pain of disassembling a 32-year marriage that he told me over and over made him unhappy and unfulfilled. So he left me – blindsided me with a “dear Jane” email, after texting me 6 hours earlier to tell me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to be with me for New Year’s in Las Vegas. Needless to say, he left me with a huge hole in my life, a pit in my stomach that won’t go away, and more tears than I thought I had in me.
I still want to believe in miracles – I still want to believe that life has good things in store for me, and that I can achieve my goals. But right now, all I can see is loneliness, darkness, and pain. I don’t know how I can ever trust anyone again. I don’t know how I can take the risk of being hurt like this again. And please don’t tell me that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal ALL wounds. It helps, but it may not really be able to bring me back to the person I was before this happened. I was a vibrant, loving, giving person, willing to give my heart. I think that person is gone for good. I don’t know who or what will emerge. Only time will tell.
I still want to believe in miracles – I still want to believe that life has good things in store for me, and that I can achieve my goals. But right now, all I can see is loneliness, darkness, and pain. I don’t know how I can ever trust anyone again. I don’t know how I can take the risk of being hurt like this again. And please don’t tell me that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal ALL wounds. It helps, but it may not really be able to bring me back to the person I was before this happened. I was a vibrant, loving, giving person, willing to give my heart. I think that person is gone for good. I don’t know who or what will emerge. Only time will tell.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Catch-up Time
I have been sorely neglecting my blog for the past month – my apologies to those who faithfully read what I have to say! I love and appreciate you more than I can say! Lots of things have been happening in my life; most of them are wonderful, some not so great, and some just plain different. So this morning seems like a very good time to get caught up.
The Thanksgiving holiday has been a little hard on the old diet, but I’ve given myself permission to indulge a bit (just a bit!) while with friends and family. Tomorrow (Sunday is the “start” day of a new week on SSS), it’s back to the straight and narrow. My weight loss has continued, but has slowed somewhat due to lack of exercise. I’ve now lost a total of 68 pound on SSS (that’s since mid-April), or 137 pounds off my all-time high weight. I’m shooting for 75 lost by the end of the year – hoping I make it!
The lack of exercise is due to my knee problems kicking in again. I attended Educause early this month, in Denver at the Colorado Convention Center. As some of you may know, that place is HUGE, and the amount of walking required to get around there was enormous – my bad knee simply could not take the abuse and began hurting and swelling again. I’m now in the midst of a second set of SynVisc injections to add lubrication to the joint. This time, I’m getting them in both knees, too, since the right knee is also deteriorating. My final injections for this round will be a week from tomorrow. Within a couple weeks after that, I should have my mobility back and be able to begin my water running regimen again. For now, I have to stay out of the pool altogether to prevent infection in the injection sites. It’s very hard to do that – my body is feels heavy and achy, and of course my weight loss slows to a crawl or a dead stand-still. I am definitely looking forward to getting back to doing what I need to!
The love that I wrote about in my last post has continued to grow and flourish and has now blossomed into a fully-committed relationship. Barriers and difficulties notwithstanding, we are both moving toward being together on a permanent basis. We plan to make that happen within the next year – hopefully in even less time than that. I am excited and terrified – not terrified about the relationship itself, but the prospect of completely giving up my life and everything familiar to me to move to another country and start all over again. However, nothing is as terrifying as contemplating life without him, so I will do what needs to be done to make that happen. In another way, it is a great adventure that I look forward to and embrace. And I have never been happier in my life!
One big challenge ahead is that my son, who will be 34 in January, lives with me and does not have a job or real skill set. He has physical and emotional challenges as well, although he is an articulate, intelligent, and funny person. Now he has to figure out what to do with himself, to be able to survive on his own without me to provide for him. In some ways, this is probably a good things and overdue – but in other ways, it is heartbreaking and terrifying. However, the time has come when I must do what’s right for me, and show some tough love. It is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I have to do it. He will still have family in Wisconsin who will help and support him, and I will do what I can for him as well, but he needs to have a life of his own, and this is the only way for him to get it, I’m afraid. I had long hoped that he would do this on his own, but it just didn’t happen.
And so life goes on – thank you for caring enough to read my thoughts and follow my life path. Hopefully I won’t be so tardy with my next post!
The Thanksgiving holiday has been a little hard on the old diet, but I’ve given myself permission to indulge a bit (just a bit!) while with friends and family. Tomorrow (Sunday is the “start” day of a new week on SSS), it’s back to the straight and narrow. My weight loss has continued, but has slowed somewhat due to lack of exercise. I’ve now lost a total of 68 pound on SSS (that’s since mid-April), or 137 pounds off my all-time high weight. I’m shooting for 75 lost by the end of the year – hoping I make it!
The lack of exercise is due to my knee problems kicking in again. I attended Educause early this month, in Denver at the Colorado Convention Center. As some of you may know, that place is HUGE, and the amount of walking required to get around there was enormous – my bad knee simply could not take the abuse and began hurting and swelling again. I’m now in the midst of a second set of SynVisc injections to add lubrication to the joint. This time, I’m getting them in both knees, too, since the right knee is also deteriorating. My final injections for this round will be a week from tomorrow. Within a couple weeks after that, I should have my mobility back and be able to begin my water running regimen again. For now, I have to stay out of the pool altogether to prevent infection in the injection sites. It’s very hard to do that – my body is feels heavy and achy, and of course my weight loss slows to a crawl or a dead stand-still. I am definitely looking forward to getting back to doing what I need to!
The love that I wrote about in my last post has continued to grow and flourish and has now blossomed into a fully-committed relationship. Barriers and difficulties notwithstanding, we are both moving toward being together on a permanent basis. We plan to make that happen within the next year – hopefully in even less time than that. I am excited and terrified – not terrified about the relationship itself, but the prospect of completely giving up my life and everything familiar to me to move to another country and start all over again. However, nothing is as terrifying as contemplating life without him, so I will do what needs to be done to make that happen. In another way, it is a great adventure that I look forward to and embrace. And I have never been happier in my life!
One big challenge ahead is that my son, who will be 34 in January, lives with me and does not have a job or real skill set. He has physical and emotional challenges as well, although he is an articulate, intelligent, and funny person. Now he has to figure out what to do with himself, to be able to survive on his own without me to provide for him. In some ways, this is probably a good things and overdue – but in other ways, it is heartbreaking and terrifying. However, the time has come when I must do what’s right for me, and show some tough love. It is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I have to do it. He will still have family in Wisconsin who will help and support him, and I will do what I can for him as well, but he needs to have a life of his own, and this is the only way for him to get it, I’m afraid. I had long hoped that he would do this on his own, but it just didn’t happen.
And so life goes on – thank you for caring enough to read my thoughts and follow my life path. Hopefully I won’t be so tardy with my next post!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Miracles Can Happen!
First of all, for those following my weight loss journey, my progress continues – I’ve now lost 64 lbs. on the Skinny Switch Secret diet. That’s a total loss of 132 lbs. from my all-time high weight. Many pounds left to lose, but I truly believe that I WILL lose all that I need to – perhaps not all I’d like to lose, but certainly all I need to lose. That is an important distinction to me and one that I remain mindful of. It would be easy to fall into the trap that societal expectations sets for us and buy into only being successful if you fit the unrealistic “perfect” body image. But I am NOT going there. It won’t happen – as the matter of fact; I really don’t think I want it to happen – so there is no point in torturing myself and setting myself up for failure. I will lose what I need to lose and I WILL be perfect – perfect for me, anyway. For me to truly believe this is a miracle. To have it happen will be another.
There is another huge miracle that has completely blessed my life, and I am so happy that I can barely express it. After 55 years of looking so hard for love and being hurt and frustrated, love actually found me! It came from the most unexpected place – a chance meeting on Twitter, of all things. If you read my last post (Falling in Love – in 140 Characters or Less), you know that, in many ways, being on Twitter has changed my life – I’m met so many wonderful people who have become great friends, mentors, and inspirations. My life has become so much richer from the interactions, support, and love I get every day from these new friends! I am grateful for each and every one of them.
And now, in the most amazing turn of events I could ever imagine, I have met a man who is clearly the great love of my life – my soul mate – on Twitter. We first connected through mutual friends; that’s the way you usually meet people on Twitter, you start following people your friends follow. For a few months, we interacted occasionally and casually – yet there was something about him that I found intriguing – he was smart, funny and sometimes bawdy, but always very sensitive and supportive to his friends when they needed it. I have a real weakness for funny, smart men, so of course I began paying more attention. I didn’t realize for quite some time that he was also paying a lot of attention to me and my interactions – there’s that low self-esteem thing again – until he sent me several private messages that began the intense connection stage of our relationship. We found that we simply couldn’t stop talking to one another – we had many, many common interests, opinions, fears, loves, and passions. Direct messages led to emails, instant messages and finally phone calls. It didn’t take long for both of us to realize that we were falling in love.
This is not an uncomplicated, fairy-tale romance – many miles and even a country border separate us, along with job and family factors. But while there are huge barriers and difficulties, loving him is the easiest, most natural, and most satisfying thing I have ever done. Knowing he feels exactly the same as I do makes me very grateful and blissfully happy. And just like my weight loss quest, I know that this, too, will end in success someday. Our love will carry us through everything to come.
Happy Sweetest Day, my love! Thank you for bringing love into my world! I love you always and forever!
There is another huge miracle that has completely blessed my life, and I am so happy that I can barely express it. After 55 years of looking so hard for love and being hurt and frustrated, love actually found me! It came from the most unexpected place – a chance meeting on Twitter, of all things. If you read my last post (Falling in Love – in 140 Characters or Less), you know that, in many ways, being on Twitter has changed my life – I’m met so many wonderful people who have become great friends, mentors, and inspirations. My life has become so much richer from the interactions, support, and love I get every day from these new friends! I am grateful for each and every one of them.
And now, in the most amazing turn of events I could ever imagine, I have met a man who is clearly the great love of my life – my soul mate – on Twitter. We first connected through mutual friends; that’s the way you usually meet people on Twitter, you start following people your friends follow. For a few months, we interacted occasionally and casually – yet there was something about him that I found intriguing – he was smart, funny and sometimes bawdy, but always very sensitive and supportive to his friends when they needed it. I have a real weakness for funny, smart men, so of course I began paying more attention. I didn’t realize for quite some time that he was also paying a lot of attention to me and my interactions – there’s that low self-esteem thing again – until he sent me several private messages that began the intense connection stage of our relationship. We found that we simply couldn’t stop talking to one another – we had many, many common interests, opinions, fears, loves, and passions. Direct messages led to emails, instant messages and finally phone calls. It didn’t take long for both of us to realize that we were falling in love.
This is not an uncomplicated, fairy-tale romance – many miles and even a country border separate us, along with job and family factors. But while there are huge barriers and difficulties, loving him is the easiest, most natural, and most satisfying thing I have ever done. Knowing he feels exactly the same as I do makes me very grateful and blissfully happy. And just like my weight loss quest, I know that this, too, will end in success someday. Our love will carry us through everything to come.
Happy Sweetest Day, my love! Thank you for bringing love into my world! I love you always and forever!
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