Miracles Can Happen!

First of all, for those following my weight loss journey, my progress continues – I’ve now lost 64 lbs. on the Skinny Switch Secret diet. That’s a total loss of 132 lbs. from my all-time high weight. Many pounds left to lose, but I truly believe that I WILL lose all that I need to – perhaps not all I’d like to lose, but certainly all I need to lose. That is an important distinction to me and one that I remain mindful of. It would be easy to fall into the trap that societal expectations sets for us and buy into only being successful if you fit the unrealistic “perfect” body image. But I am NOT going there. It won’t happen – as the matter of fact; I really don’t think I want it to happen – so there is no point in torturing myself and setting myself up for failure. I will lose what I need to lose and I WILL be perfect – perfect for me, anyway. For me to truly believe this is a miracle. To have it happen will be another.

There is another huge miracle that has completely blessed my life, and I am so happy that I can barely express it. After 55 years of looking so hard for love and being hurt and frustrated, love actually found me! It came from the most unexpected place – a chance meeting on Twitter, of all things. If you read my last post (Falling in Love – in 140 Characters or Less), you know that, in many ways, being on Twitter has changed my life – I’m met so many wonderful people who have become great friends, mentors, and inspirations. My life has become so much richer from the interactions, support, and love I get every day from these new friends! I am grateful for each and every one of them.

And now, in the most amazing turn of events I could ever imagine, I have met a man who is clearly the great love of my life – my soul mate – on Twitter. We first connected through mutual friends; that’s the way you usually meet people on Twitter, you start following people your friends follow. For a few months, we interacted occasionally and casually – yet there was something about him that I found intriguing – he was smart, funny and sometimes bawdy, but always very sensitive and supportive to his friends when they needed it. I have a real weakness for funny, smart men, so of course I began paying more attention. I didn’t realize for quite some time that he was also paying a lot of attention to me and my interactions – there’s that low self-esteem thing again – until he sent me several private messages that began the intense connection stage of our relationship. We found that we simply couldn’t stop talking to one another – we had many, many common interests, opinions, fears, loves, and passions. Direct messages led to emails, instant messages and finally phone calls. It didn’t take long for both of us to realize that we were falling in love.

This is not an uncomplicated, fairy-tale romance – many miles and even a country border separate us, along with job and family factors. But while there are huge barriers and difficulties, loving him is the easiest, most natural, and most satisfying thing I have ever done. Knowing he feels exactly the same as I do makes me very grateful and blissfully happy. And just like my weight loss quest, I know that this, too, will end in success someday. Our love will carry us through everything to come.

Happy Sweetest Day, my love! Thank you for bringing love into my world! I love you always and forever!

Love, Love, Careless Love

Today I’m feeling like talking about love, and my life experience with it. It isn’t a particularly pretty story, but I think it’s relevant to the discussion of how obesity affects all aspects of your life. And how our societal view of obese people can make finding a life-mate who appreciates you for all of who and what you are challenging.

As a small child, I had a hard time feeling loved. I’m sure that my parents loved me – it’s simply that they were not demonstrative people. The only affection I ever saw between them was an occasional hand touch. However, for some unknown reason, I’ve always acutely craved affection and reassurances that I am loved. I drove my mother to distraction asking her, over and over again, if she loved me or how much she loved me. And no matter what she said, it was never enough.

Fast forward to my teenage years. I watched all the couples with envy – I wanted a boyfriend SO bad! In my freshman year of high school, the unimaginable happened – a boy asked me out. Of course I said yes – I was so excited! I was actually going to have a date for the Homecoming dance! As it turned out, not only did I have a date – I had a boyfriend. I was in heaven. This same boyfriend lasted all through my high school years, but to be honest, he didn’t always treat me very well. He seemed to delight in keeping me off-balance and making me insecure. With my low self-esteem, I accepted that. I thought I didn’t deserve better treatment, and I was incredibly afraid of losing him. Three months out of high school, I married him. That may have been the worst mistake I’ve ever made.

The marriage lasted 8 years, and produced one child – my son Randy. It was, to say the least, a troubled marriage, with him blaming me for all our problems, particularly the sexual ones. After one particularly bitter scene, he told me that “No man will ever want you – you are repulsive”. I didn’t want to believe him, but I did. To my shock, the marriage finally ended when he confessed that he was gay – had thought he was bi-sexual, but now decided he never wanted to sleep with a woman again. To this day, I don’t know if it was more a shock or a relief.

Through the years, there have been a number of men in my life, but not in the way I wanted. All of them wanted me to be their friend, confidant, sister-confessor, soft shoulder to cry on, etc. None of them wanted to be my lover. The last on-and-off relationship lasted around 10 years. The biggest question I have is this: Why do I put myself through it? I think the answer is that it is still the one thing I want most in life – the one big hole left in the center of me that I can’t stopper up myself. Love – for me, is the most important and most unattainable facet to living.

Don’t get me wrong – I do have friends and family that love me. And in their own way, each of these men I’ve been with has loved me, too – but loved me in the same way as friends and family. Not in the special. “Babe, you’re the one” way I’ve always craved.

There are a number of things that could be the cause of this. The ones that come to mind are:

1. I make bad choices. I choose men who are emotionally unavailable – at least to me
2. My body disqualifies me as a life-mate. Because of my weight, I’m certainly not “arm-candy”, “trophy wife” material. Men simply don't find me "sexy"
3. I'm just unlovable. Period.

These days, I have come to the conclusion that having a life companion is not in the cards for me. I need to try to stop obsessing on it and move on with my life – I have goals to accomplish and improvements to be made. I should stop wasting my energy on something that I can’t MAKE happen. As the old Bonnie Raitt song says, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t; I can’t make your heart feel what it won’t”. But it still leaves me feeling sad. And lonely.