The End of the Dream

I have been trying to write this for days, but just couldn’t stop crying long enough to do it. The man I love has left me. I am shattered – hurt beyond words, pain that seems unending. I thought that I had finally found my soul mate – the person I would spend the rest of my life with. He promised to never hurt me – that I would never be alone again – that he would love me forever. And so many more promises that, in the end, he broke. I was willing to give up my life here, my career with the University, all or most of my possessions, and my country to immigrate so that we could be together. In the end, he wasn’t willing to undergo the pain of disassembling a 32-year marriage that he told me over and over made him unhappy and unfulfilled. So he left me – blindsided me with a “dear Jane” email, after texting me 6 hours earlier to tell me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to be with me for New Year’s in Las Vegas. Needless to say, he left me with a huge hole in my life, a pit in my stomach that won’t go away, and more tears than I thought I had in me.

I still want to believe in miracles – I still want to believe that life has good things in store for me, and that I can achieve my goals. But right now, all I can see is loneliness, darkness, and pain. I don’t know how I can ever trust anyone again. I don’t know how I can take the risk of being hurt like this again. And please don’t tell me that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal ALL wounds. It helps, but it may not really be able to bring me back to the person I was before this happened. I was a vibrant, loving, giving person, willing to give my heart. I think that person is gone for good. I don’t know who or what will emerge. Only time will tell.