Catch-up Time

I have been sorely neglecting my blog for the past month – my apologies to those who faithfully read what I have to say! I love and appreciate you more than I can say! Lots of things have been happening in my life; most of them are wonderful, some not so great, and some just plain different. So this morning seems like a very good time to get caught up.

The Thanksgiving holiday has been a little hard on the old diet, but I’ve given myself permission to indulge a bit (just a bit!) while with friends and family. Tomorrow (Sunday is the “start” day of a new week on SSS), it’s back to the straight and narrow. My weight loss has continued, but has slowed somewhat due to lack of exercise. I’ve now lost a total of 68 pound on SSS (that’s since mid-April), or 137 pounds off my all-time high weight. I’m shooting for 75 lost by the end of the year – hoping I make it!

The lack of exercise is due to my knee problems kicking in again. I attended Educause early this month, in Denver at the Colorado Convention Center. As some of you may know, that place is HUGE, and the amount of walking required to get around there was enormous – my bad knee simply could not take the abuse and began hurting and swelling again. I’m now in the midst of a second set of SynVisc injections to add lubrication to the joint. This time, I’m getting them in both knees, too, since the right knee is also deteriorating. My final injections for this round will be a week from tomorrow. Within a couple weeks after that, I should have my mobility back and be able to begin my water running regimen again. For now, I have to stay out of the pool altogether to prevent infection in the injection sites. It’s very hard to do that – my body is feels heavy and achy, and of course my weight loss slows to a crawl or a dead stand-still. I am definitely looking forward to getting back to doing what I need to!

The love that I wrote about in my last post has continued to grow and flourish and has now blossomed into a fully-committed relationship. Barriers and difficulties notwithstanding, we are both moving toward being together on a permanent basis. We plan to make that happen within the next year – hopefully in even less time than that. I am excited and terrified – not terrified about the relationship itself, but the prospect of completely giving up my life and everything familiar to me to move to another country and start all over again. However, nothing is as terrifying as contemplating life without him, so I will do what needs to be done to make that happen. In another way, it is a great adventure that I look forward to and embrace. And I have never been happier in my life!

One big challenge ahead is that my son, who will be 34 in January, lives with me and does not have a job or real skill set. He has physical and emotional challenges as well, although he is an articulate, intelligent, and funny person. Now he has to figure out what to do with himself, to be able to survive on his own without me to provide for him. In some ways, this is probably a good things and overdue – but in other ways, it is heartbreaking and terrifying. However, the time has come when I must do what’s right for me, and show some tough love. It is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I have to do it. He will still have family in Wisconsin who will help and support him, and I will do what I can for him as well, but he needs to have a life of his own, and this is the only way for him to get it, I’m afraid. I had long hoped that he would do this on his own, but it just didn’t happen.

And so life goes on – thank you for caring enough to read my thoughts and follow my life path. Hopefully I won’t be so tardy with my next post!

Miracles Can Happen!

First of all, for those following my weight loss journey, my progress continues – I’ve now lost 64 lbs. on the Skinny Switch Secret diet. That’s a total loss of 132 lbs. from my all-time high weight. Many pounds left to lose, but I truly believe that I WILL lose all that I need to – perhaps not all I’d like to lose, but certainly all I need to lose. That is an important distinction to me and one that I remain mindful of. It would be easy to fall into the trap that societal expectations sets for us and buy into only being successful if you fit the unrealistic “perfect” body image. But I am NOT going there. It won’t happen – as the matter of fact; I really don’t think I want it to happen – so there is no point in torturing myself and setting myself up for failure. I will lose what I need to lose and I WILL be perfect – perfect for me, anyway. For me to truly believe this is a miracle. To have it happen will be another.

There is another huge miracle that has completely blessed my life, and I am so happy that I can barely express it. After 55 years of looking so hard for love and being hurt and frustrated, love actually found me! It came from the most unexpected place – a chance meeting on Twitter, of all things. If you read my last post (Falling in Love – in 140 Characters or Less), you know that, in many ways, being on Twitter has changed my life – I’m met so many wonderful people who have become great friends, mentors, and inspirations. My life has become so much richer from the interactions, support, and love I get every day from these new friends! I am grateful for each and every one of them.

And now, in the most amazing turn of events I could ever imagine, I have met a man who is clearly the great love of my life – my soul mate – on Twitter. We first connected through mutual friends; that’s the way you usually meet people on Twitter, you start following people your friends follow. For a few months, we interacted occasionally and casually – yet there was something about him that I found intriguing – he was smart, funny and sometimes bawdy, but always very sensitive and supportive to his friends when they needed it. I have a real weakness for funny, smart men, so of course I began paying more attention. I didn’t realize for quite some time that he was also paying a lot of attention to me and my interactions – there’s that low self-esteem thing again – until he sent me several private messages that began the intense connection stage of our relationship. We found that we simply couldn’t stop talking to one another – we had many, many common interests, opinions, fears, loves, and passions. Direct messages led to emails, instant messages and finally phone calls. It didn’t take long for both of us to realize that we were falling in love.

This is not an uncomplicated, fairy-tale romance – many miles and even a country border separate us, along with job and family factors. But while there are huge barriers and difficulties, loving him is the easiest, most natural, and most satisfying thing I have ever done. Knowing he feels exactly the same as I do makes me very grateful and blissfully happy. And just like my weight loss quest, I know that this, too, will end in success someday. Our love will carry us through everything to come.

Happy Sweetest Day, my love! Thank you for bringing love into my world! I love you always and forever!

Falling In Love - In 140 Characters (or less)

Most of you know that I’m on Twitter. Many of you know me BECAUSE I’m on Twitter. Twitter has been a huge adventure for me. If you had told me a year ago that I would have a Twitter account that I spent hours on every day, I’d have thought you were crazy! No way that was going to happen! I didn’t even understand how Twitter worked! Like chat, only to the whole world??? What on earth would make me want to do that???

I actually got started on Twitter at a conference. Some folks from UW Milwaukee gave a presentation about how they were using Twitter to increase communication on campus. As a demo, they set up a hashtag to tweet conference information. Since I always hate to be left out of anything, I decided to give it a try. At first I was pretty shy – I only tweeted once, when asked to by the session moderator. And actually, for quite some time after that, I didn’t do much – I followed a few people from UWM that I knew – then found a few others. I never seemed to think I had anything to say, so I pretty much just lurked. Then, oddly enough, some people found me – local people at first – and I started following them, too. One of them, a really smart funny guy named Denny Griffin, who goes by the twitter name of @wipoolplayer, tweeted some really interesting facts, quotes, music, etc., and I started to RT (re-tweet) him. Soon, I was finding other interesting people through him, and it sort of snowballed from there.

I have met some wonderful people on Twitter – some local, some that I will probably never meet IRL (in real life), but who have become more dear to me than I would ever have I imagined. One of them, a lovely incredible woman named Bev Wallace (@nursebevw on twitter) has become perhaps the closest female friend I have ever had. Bev is amazing for many reasons – she is a former nurse who can no longer work due to pain caused by Celiac Disease, Fibromyalgia, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Since she can’t work, she has channeled her considerable talent and energy into trying to help others. She has founded a charity called “Crafters With Love” (www.crafterswithlove.com) and has recruited others to assist as well. Many days, she runs things from her bed, with a laptop and a telephone. I can’t tell you how honored I was when she asked me to sit on her board of directors – as vice president, no less! Bev and I talk many times each day, mostly on twitter, sometimes via email. I’ve also become close to the rest of the wonderful, talented Crafters With Love group – John Lusher (@johnlusher), Roxie Hobart (@petpaint) and Amy Walker (@ivysunny). These people are all amazing in their own ways, and honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends and associates. And in most cases, I’ve gotten to know them only on Twitter, where each thing you say (tweet) has to be 140 characters or less.

Imagine if you had to speak to people in only sentences limited to 140 characters. (There is a very funny youtube video on that subject, by the way). But that’s the way it is, and we’ve all been doing it. I’ve seen friendships begin and flourish – I’ve even seen new love relationships begin. I have, myself, recently met someone who I am beginning to feel very close to – and who knows where it might lead? And it all began with 140 character tweets – funny, sad, silly, boring, interesting, friendly, angry – you name it. I’ve met local people that I dearly love, but might never have run across any other way – like my dear friend Stacy Snook (@stacysnook) who I just met in person for the first time last night, at a “TweetUp” that she and two other locals, Jenna Borum (@chivetalker) and Chad Schomber (@chadschomber) organized at a downtown brewpub. Stacy is also an amazing person – a mother, wife, business owner, and cancer survivor. She and I are looking forward to getting to know each other better in person, as well as tweeting each other pretty much every day. And I met other terrific people there as well – a group from Milwaukee came in and were definitely the life of the party! It was a wonderful evening which left me feeling blessed to find new friends.

The bottom line for me is that, much like FaceBook, Twitter is about connecting. One difference is that on FaceBook, you mostly connect with people you already know. With Twitter, you are connecting with a whole world of people, most of whom you DON’T know. So yes, you have to be careful – there are some sick, twisted people out there – and some people who use others with no regard for their feelings – they are people trying to get you to look at the slutty pictures, sell you teeth whiteners or any of a million things, and invest in their ground floor “opportunities”. There are chances for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and anger. It is not a world for children. But for me at least, the opportunities to have my life enriched far outweigh the negatives. So, in the final analysis, Twitter is about finding people you can love and support, and who will do the same for you.

Learning To Love Me

I’m a giver. Always have been, probably always will be. I give money, time, effort and love. I support, comfort, amuse and listen. I am honest and outgoing, without being a social butterfly. That’s just who I am, and those qualities are not ones that I feel compelled to change. They are qualities that I like about myself, and that I am attracted to in others.

However, while I know all these things about myself, I still tend to concentrate on the negatives, and relegate the positives to the been-there, done-that pile. I pick at myself constantly, finding fault with what I accomplish and berating myself for what I do not. I have always been my own worst enemy and the person that I am most critical of. My friends frequently upbraid me for making self-deprecating comments and jokes. I guess I’ve always thought that, if I say it first, nobody could hurt me by saying it to me. Strange thinking? Probably.

In the past couple of weeks, I took another blow to my fragile self-esteem. I‘ve written before about my sadness over my lack of success with relationships. It always seems like I get just so close – then it all falls apart. In this case, I had a date with someone I met online, but had not yet met in real life. I was very excited – had my nails done, got a pedicure, and even got my hair cut, colored and styled. About mid-day the day before, he let me know that it wasn’t going to work out – that he was going to have to work and wouldn’t be able to make it to town. I was, of course, very disappointed, but assumed we would reschedule. What I found out afterwards, is that he lied – he didn’t have to work; he got “a better offer” – a younger, slimmer, blonde offer.

Of course, true to form, the person I blamed was me. At first, I blamed myself for being undesirable. Then I blamed myself for getting into the situation in the first place. It took almost a full day for me to turn that situation around and, instead, blame the jerk who stood me up. But although I intellectually understand that he’s the one to blame, my emotions still told a different story. All those years of feeling inadequate came tumbling back and landed in a pile on top of me. I felt sad that, once again, I’d failed to be attractive enough, and I’d ended up alone again.

Here’s the kicker though – he never even met me! He had seen pictures of me- mostly shots of just the top part of my body. He never even bothered to read this blog to find out who and what I am. He didn’t really know who he had a date with. Truthfully, I don’t know why he wanted to see me in the first place – I guess he was attracted by my flirtatious manner online. After he told me he was going to be coming to see me, I told him that I was a big girl – I didn’t want to see a look of disappointment or shock on his face the first time he saw me. He said that didn’t make any difference to him – he was excited to see me. But in the end, it did matter. It mattered enough for him to stand me up in favor of someone completely different from me. He never even gave me a chance to disappoint him.

So why beat up on myself? Because that’s always my first impulse in any negative situation – it must be Kathy’s fault – she either did something wrong or she isn’t “good” enough, or … well, whatever – you get the picture. Let’s face it – this guy is a jerk, and that has nothing to do with me. I may not be arm candy, but I am a warm, loving, attractive woman with lots to offer the right guy. The right guy has just never come along – maybe he never will – but that doesn’t change who I am or my capacity for love and enjoyment of life. It would very much like to have a partner who wanted to share that life with me. That doesn’t mean that I should “settle” – I deserve a great guy! If a great guy never appears in my life, that’s too bad – but I will still be who I am. And that just has to be good enough.

The First 50 Pounds

This is going to be a fairly short post (at least I think it is!). On my last weigh-in on Sunday, my weight took my total lost up to just over 50 pounds. And while that is not nearly as much as I need to lose, it represents a huge leap for my confidence. For me, it says “You can do this. You are doing it. You will continue doing it”. It is a success. And I can’t begin to express how important it is to celebrate every success, no matter how insignificant it might seem to others. The long-term goals are very useful, and keep you focused on the totality of what you are trying to achieve. But it is hard to sustain day-to-day enthusiasm for a project if there are not recognized, interim goals and achievements.

I used to live in the future. (No, I’m not Jane Jetson, or a character on a sci-fi show.) Living in the future means that I put of everything until some later, hoped-for event had occurred. A few examples: “When this project is over, I’ll take some time off to spend with my family”. “After I lose weight, I’ll try dating again”. “When the economy is better, I’ll try to start saving some money.” “One of these days they’ll come up with a diet drug that really works; then I’ll lose some weight.” What I’ve finally learned is that the future never comes. The future is always the future – the future is never now. If you put things off waiting for something that might happen in the future, you’re screwed. Now just might be the only future you will ever have.

So, although I have a lot more to lose, I’m celebrating my first 50 pounds lost. Instead of celebrating by eating, I got a manicure and pedicure; then I got my hair colored, cut and styled so I feel like I look as great as I feel. I’m acknowledging all the hard work that I have done to get to this point. And I’m looking forward to working on the next 50 pounds – not just for the weight that will be lost, but for the growing I will do while I work on it.

Trust and Betrayal

By nature, I’m a very trusting person. Maybe it’s just the way I was raised – in a very small town where you knew everyone and they knew not just you, but your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Where nobody locked their doors or windows, and folks slept out on the screen porch during hot weather. Where everybody took care of everyone else’s kids as if they were their own, and you were always welcome at a neighbor’s house and dinner table. Maybe that’s why I have gotten hurt so many times in my life since – I always seem trust people until they prove that they can’t be trusted. You’d think I’d learn sooner or later. Looks like it’s going to be later.

Why are some people so selfish that they don’t care about what happens to someone else as long as they get what they want? How do they get to that point? Did no one care about them when they were young? Did life screw them over so badly that they feel like they deserve whatever they can get, no matter what? It’s always been a mystery to me why some people are such assholes. I keep thinking there must be a reason for it, and if I could understand it, I could deal with it. After 55 years on this earth, I still do not understand, and at this point, I doubt I ever will.

For me, life is all about loving and being loved. It’s about giving of yourself to make others happy. It’s caring about people you don’t even know – wanting life to be better for them, and doing what you can to make it that way. It’s about finding that one person that you want to spend the rest of your life making happy, and doing everything in your power to do just that. It’s about treasuring friends and family above everything else, and being there for them whatever happens. It’s about not running away from problems and uncomfortable situations with the one(s) you love, but hanging in there and fighting for the best outcome for everyone. It’s about giving love whenever and wherever you can.

Unfortunately for me, that means that I get disappointed and hurt all too often. When people tell me something, I believe them. When someone says they will do something or be somewhere, I believe that they will. And when they don’t, I’m not always half as mad at them as I am at myself for being such a sucker! Which, of course, means they win twice – once when I believe them, and once when I beat myself up for being so foolish.

Sometimes I wonder what the right answer is, here. Is it to trust no one and believe that everyone you meet has ulterior motives? Is it to “play the game back” and hurt rather than be hurt? Do I just withdraw from life altogether to avoid being hurt? Or is it my lot to keep believing, keep hoping, keep trying and, in the end, keep being hurt and disappointed.

In case you are wondering, this week someone I thought was a friend turned out to be someone who only wanted to use me to get something they wanted. They offered me some things that I value – friendship, caring and companionship – only to get me to let my guard down so that they could manipulate me to get what they wanted. I’m left feeling like dirt under their feet. And somehow, I doubt that they care one bit. After all, they got what they wanted in the first place. Mission accomplished.

The Dreaded Plateau

Trying to lose weight is a series of occasional highs surrounded by a vast sea of frustration. At least that’s the way it works for me. When the number on the scale goes down, there’s just no better feeling. In my case, those occasions are generally spaced out with a lot of incidents of frustration when the number either doesn’t change at all, or actually goes up (temporarily). It’s so easy to get discouraged when you are following the rules and exercising frequently – and seeing no results. Perhaps part of the problem is that we live in a time when we are accustomed to immediate gratification – cause and effect being adjacent to each other in a timeline – and we don’t deal as well with the “eyes on the prize” scenario.

In the dieting world, this is referred to as a plateau. Plateaus can be anywhere from a week to several months. This is the point at which your body decides to fight back and try to maintain your weight – a built-in response to prevent starvation by holding onto the pounds. Even if you are extremely obese, like I am, your body still responds to weight loss that way. It is during plateaus that people usually “fall off the wagon” – all that hard work and self-denial and nothing to show for it. I’m no different – every diet I’ve ever undertaken has resulted in a long plateau, which ended when I decided “to heck with it – I’m going to eat whatever I want – might as well!” and that was it. Once you fall off a particular diet or way of eating, it is so very much harder to re-start – you always have that feeling of “what’s the use? I’ll just quit losing again”.

I’m a tough case, to be sure. I’ve probably lost at least 500 pounds – if not more – in my lifetime. In the end, I give up and start eating things that aren’t good for me again – and put on everything I’ve lost and more, and I do it very rapidly. It’s not out of the question for me to gain 20 pounds in a month. I had a metabolic study once, and the endocrinologist told me that I was too efficient – that my body needed fewer calories to maintain my weight than anyone he had seen in his practice (and he wasn’t a young man, either!). That’s not an excuse for giving up, but it is a contributing factor in my frustration with weight loss efforts.

This time around, I’ve hit a number of small plateaus already. So far, the weight loss has restarted in 2-4 weeks, as long as I keep working at it. There could be any number of reasons for this - for example, I have greatly increased the amount of physical activity in my schedule, and I’ve been building muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat. So sometimes, even when I don’t see the scale number change, I do see a change in the tape measure or in the fit of my clothes. Other times, I can be retaining water – this frequently happens when I suffer a bout of fibromyalgia. I don’t know what the relationship is – I just know that for me, there is one. Regardless of the reason, I can see my weight fluctuate as much as 3 pounds in the course of a few days.

What I can say this time around is that there has been a change in my attitude. While I’d love to see the scale show weekly progress, I have committed myself to doing this even if I don’t see it. I’m determined that this will work and I’ve gained an understanding that it may not happen quickly. I truly believe that this time I will be able to take off a large chunk of my weight. Maybe not all that I’d like to see gone, but a significant amount – enough to allow me to have the knee surgery I need and regain some mobility. I want to enjoy whatever years are left to me, and part of that enjoyment would come in being able, not disabled, if there is any way I can accomplish that. And so now I’m going off to the gym to run 35 laps and 30 minutes of resistance training in the warm water pool.