When Words Hurt

I hate prejudice! Prejudice against obese people is the one that hits me where I live, but I truly hate any type of prejudice, and I find myself becoming angry about it more frequently as I get older. Prejudice is a close-minded, irrational bias against some group of people – usually based on some cultural or societal perception – that leads, or allows, people to express themselves in a way that is demeaning and devaluing to those about whom they speak. Sometimes, this prejudice is so ingrained in their background that their expression of it becomes natural and without forethought. But words can hurt others deeply, and even jokes made at the expense of others are unkind and unacceptable.

This was brought home to me this week by a blog post by someone I know (I won’t name the person, so don’t ask) who posted and publicized (on Twitter) her newest rant, which she referred to as “FAT, STUPID People”! I was absolutely shocked and frankly, didn’t know what to think. However, I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, so I read her post. Her subject was an incident that she said happened at the grocery store, where she was confronted by a “fat beluga” for taking all of the sale pasta, which the woman went so far as to take away from her. She ranted on and on about how huge the woman was, using all sorts of nasty, vituperative and vulgar clichés. Reading it made me want to vomit, it was that nasty.

Now, this person is what is generally called a “drama queen” – someone who can take a small, seemingly insignificant incident in her life and turn it into a huge, nearly international incident – always with her as the innocent victim. But even if every word she wrote was true, the size of the woman she referred to had nothing at all to do with the situation. The woman was pushy and incredibly rude, yes – but she could have as easily been a normal sized person and acted the same way. Her size didn’t cause her to grab the pasta, as the writer assumed – it was most likely her desire to feed her family for less, rather than her being a greedy pig, as the writer characterized her. The woman was wrong to do what she did. But the writer was also wrong to unleash such a stream of invective about the woman’s weight.

One of the reasons I found this so difficult to take was that I thought she was someone who was aware of my battle and would not have deliberately said something so hurtful. She not only did that, she was angry when I confronted her about it and asked her to stop being so offensive. She ranted on and on about how I was just another fat tub of lard and I had no right to tell her what she could or couldn’t write. In that respect, she is right – I probably should not have gone as far as to ask her to stop. I probably should have stopped at telling her that she was offending me and others. She has a right to write anything she chooses, just like the neo-Nazis, the KKK, terrorists and I do. We all enjoy the freedom of speech that we find on the internet. In the end, I exercised my right to not subject myself to that type of offensive negativity – I “unfollowed” her on Twitter so that I didn’t have to be poisoned by her venom any longer. I hope that someday she might find some peace in her life, but that won’t happen until she learns to take responsibility for herself and her actions and stop blaming others and “acting out” to get attention.

Remember the old saying “Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? I guess words will never put a cast on my leg or stitches in my arm. But they certainly hurt me emotionally, as I’m assuming they do you, as well. I experienced that from the other side this week when I called a friend an unflattering name – I was only joking, but he was in a bad place and didn’t get that. I hurt and angered him, something I would NEVER do deliberately. But it happened, and I learned from that experience as well. Words can hurt you and others. I know a lot of people who rant and rave about having to watch what they say because of PC (political correctness). Sometimes they’re right, and there certainly are people who LOOK for things to be offended by. But everyone needs to be at least somewhat conscious of how their words may be received and interpreted by others. When in doubt, please don’t say it. It isn’t worth hurting someone – whether it’s someone you love, or not. There is enough hurt in this world already.

Part 2 – Why I’m a Bitch Sometimes

Overheard at the health club pool: Little girl (about 5 years old) “Mommy, why is her butt so big?” Skinny blonde mom: “Well, sweetie, that’s what happens when you eat too much junk food and don’t exercise”.

Now – the subject of that conversation was me, it happened the evening after I posted my first blog entry, and it happened in a health club. What did she think I was doing there, if I don’t exercise? I confronted the mother with that fact – her response was that she needed to teach her daughter the importance of a healthy lifestyle. I told her that the next time she wants to make me or anyone else into an object lesson, she should also consider the opportunity to teach her child not to be judgmental without the facts – and to act respectfully. As you might guess, she just snorted and turned away.

So – here’s my question – should I have confronted her, or pretended I didn’t hear the exchange? In the past, I definitely would have done the latter. It seems like I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to hide and NOT confront people – from cruel children in the schoolyard to adults on the street. Playing deaf, and crying on the inside – certainly, that wasn’t a healthy scenario for me. As I look back on those days now, I realize that it was lack of self-esteem that caused me to act that way – I thought I deserved all that ridicule. Now, of course, I don’t believe that – but it still hurts to hear it.

I used to wonder why it was that someone would say something insulting about me, but wouldn’t to someone with a different disability. For example, if that mother saw a person with only one arm, would she have said “See dear, that’s what happens when you aren’t careful with farm equipment” or something similar? Of course not. In the same situation, she would have tried to hush her child and hope the disabled person hadn’t heard. The difference is that obese people are blamed for their disability, and therefore it seems perfectly acceptable to subject them to public ridicule.

I could go on at great lengths about the causes of obesity and the failure of the medical profession to develop an effective treatment for it. However, there are plenty of resources available on the web and in your library, so I won’t. If you are really interested, all you have to do is Google “obesity” and you’ll get all you can handle. What I can tell you is that I’ve tried nearly diet I’ve ever heard of, had 2 obesity surgeries, was on several different “fat” pills, lost (and regained) literally hundreds of pounds – not much I’ve missed – and here I am, still fat. I’ve never been a “normal weight” – the least I remember weighing was 185 pounds in 7th grade. So when someone says “Wouldn’t it be nice to be thin again?” I just can’t relate AT ALL.

I think that the worst part of this experience is the scars I will carry forever – the residual sense of shame that enlightenment can’t totally banish; the years of suffering emotional abuse at the hands of other people – some well-meaning, but still wrong, and the opportunities missed because I was afraid that the theater (or airline, or stadium, etc.) seat wouldn’t be large enough. I still remember being on a flight from San Diego to Milwaukee and having the man in the seat beside me INSIST of being moved to a new seat because I was crowding him. Or the cabin attendant on another flight who moved me to a less comfortable seat from an exit row seat because “it was obvious” to her that I could not be responsible for helping others to exit in an emergency.

So – I’m a bitch sometimes because I’m tired of being judged as “less than” by people who don’t begin to understand about obesity and make a whole set of bad judgments due to that ignorance. I’m tired of being underestimated and dismissed as “not suitable” for any number of things – teams, jobs, relationships – because of my weight. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a proponent of being overweight, because it isn’t healthy. That’s why I’m working, once again, to try to conquer the problem or at least minimize it. But even if I succeed in losing weight, I’ll still be who I am today – it won’t make any difference in the core of who I am. Only to the packaging.

In The Beginning....

Hello to all! A little about me to get started: First and foremost, I'm a survivor. Not a cancer survivor, and certainly not one of those reality show survivors - but a life survivor. Someone who has taken a lot of whacks and is still ticking. Second: While most people think that I'm a funny, articulate and intelligent person (I am, actually), what most people don't know is that I'm in a lot of pain - both physical and emotional. More about that later.


I live in Madison, Wisconsin - by most people's estimation, a very tolerant city. It's a city full of diversity, a haven for the arts, a college town (primarily UW Madison, my employer), and all-in-all a great place to live. Sure, we have our share of crime - who doesn't, in this day and age - but overall, it's a place I'm proud to call home.


However, having said all that, there is one more thing that you need to know about me - I am obese. I've been obese all my life, or at least for as long as I can remember. I've lost more pounds over the years than most people will ever weigh - even me! I'm not a little chubby - I'm very heavy. I've had two (yes, two) gastric surgeries and everything that comes along with that. I'm not a big eater, and I exercise frequently - but I'm still way overweight.


So - that brings me to my final point. In a world full of political correctness, when making a nasty crack about someones race, hair color, physical disability, sexual orientation or age is unforgiveable, it is apparently still perfectly fine to say anything you want about or to an obese person. People who have never had a weight problem make a whole set of (usually incorrect) assumptions about obese people (and yes, I'm using the word "obese", which I abhor), including:

• They are too lazy to exercise


• They eat too much - they need to just push back from the table


• They are unclean


• They are jolly, happy souls


• They don't know they are fat (so you feel an obligation to tell them)


• They're too stupid to know better


• They aren't trying - if they'd try, they wouldn't be fat

These people have no idea who I am, what I am, or what I've done in my life. All they see is my fat. They are missing something extraordinary when they do that. I've given up making excuses for myself, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt!

That's enough for now - I'll write more later this week.